The first thing that hurts a narcissist is indifference. You might hear this talked about pretty often, and that is indifference.
If you act indifferent to the narcissist, that will hurt their fragile ego—because you’re not reflecting that grandiose sense of self that they have. You’re basically saying they’re just like anyone else, and they don’t really matter that much to you.
Now, this is one that I do recommend for people dealing with narcissists. It’s not for the purpose of hurting them—but acting indifferent to them can help keep you safe from their manipulation and mind games.
So if you were looking to get some revenge, this is a good one to try out. You might want to try a strategy like gray rock—or what they call yellow rock. It’s just a different version of keeping this person at a distance and not showing any emotional reaction.
Second: Shame
Another thing that hurts the narcissist is shame.
You will have seen this if you have witnessed narcissistic rage. A narcissist will get very angry when they’re feeling shame—because they’re very out of touch with their feelings of shame, which run very deep. They try very hard to suppress those feelings and not deal with them. That’s part of what this grandiose self-image protects them from.
Shame is very serious business for a narcissist. If they’re feeling shame as a result of something that you did—or just in general—this is going to be very painful to them.
Also, of course, shame is painful to all of us. It’s also a good strategy, if you have a narcissist in your life, to work through your own shame—because shame is how they trigger you. If they can find a hot-button thing that you feel ashamed about, or if you feel a deep sense of shame about who you are, they’re going to use that maliciously to attack you.
Over time, the more you’re exposed to it, the worse it gets—so it’s really important to deal with your own shame.
A narcissist will not necessarily process it—they’ll feel the pain, rage out, and then go back to the grandiose sense of self.
Third: No Contact
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