Covert narcissists are incredibly passive-aggressive. And passive-aggressive people rely on plausible deniability. Your job is to shut that down immediately when it happens. They won’t like it, but they will get the message. And believe me, this will be far more uncomfortable for them than it is for you. Which is why communicating with a covert narcissist like this specifically is so effective.
Next, stay literal. This disarms manipulation. Only respond to what is explicitly said—not tone, implication, or energy. For example, they say something like, “Wow, must be nice to have that kind of time.” You respond with, “If you’re asking for help, just ask directly.” The point being: you don’t chase the bait.
Now, this next one is one of my favorites: use the clarify-or-drop technique. For example, they make a passive-aggressive comment, and you reply with, “I’m not sure exactly what you meant. Can you say that directly?” If they don’t—being the cowards that they are—simply say, “Okay, I’m going to leave that there.”
This forces them to either be clear and direct, or be exposed for the sneaky little manipulators and troublemakers that they are.
The thing to remember is narcissists—whether overt or covert—respond to consequences. So, add a consequence without unnecessary drama. For example, you could say something like:
“When you say things like that to me, I feel manipulated. If your method of communication stays indirect like this, I’m going to end the conversation.”
Or: “I’m not going to talk to you anymore.” Then follow through.
Remember: consequences, not explanations, are what will shift the dynamic with a passive-aggressive covert narcissist.
This leads us on to the importance of nervous system regulation. Attempting to confront a passive-aggressive covert narcissist from a dysregulated state is a recipe for disaster. So regulate before you respond.
In the moment: pause, count to five slowly, breathe, lower your voice, and slow your pace. Use grounding techniques that work for you. Then respond.
The point being: passive-aggressive people are trying to provoke a reaction. No reaction equals no control, no energy, and no power. Your job is to not give them a reaction.
Easier said than done, I know, but again, when you commit to doing your own work, this all becomes so much easier to do.
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