Number one: deny. The perpetrator denies that the offense or abuse even occurred.
Number two: attack. When confronted, the perpetrator attacks their target—the actual victim—for daring to confront them.
Number three: reverse victim and offender. This is where the manipulative person or abusive perpetrator flips the script, portraying themselves as the true victim—the one who’s being hurt—and their target as the offender. It’s quite the magic trick. Don’t fall for it.
Which brings me to my next point: whatever you do, do not argue details. State what you know to be true—once, twice at most—and then stop. Why? Because they’ll try to pull you into the weeds: timelines, wording, and technicalities.
That’s a trap—one where they’re entertained, literally, while they siphon your vital life-force energy, and you leave feeling completely drained, confused, and depleted. If you go there, don’t go there. Instead, focus on the pattern, not the microscopic details.
They are going to lie. Let them.
Which ties directly into my next point: hold your frame—even when it’s uncomfortable. When the game they’re running isn’t working, they’ll withdraw, sulk, or subtly punish you. That discomfort is what usually makes people backtrack. Don’t. This is your opportunity to remain empowered. Detach. Stand in your truth. And remember: you know what you live. Don’t slip into codependent amnesia—doubting or second-guessing yourself. You don’t have to do that.
Instead, learn to set boundaries without needing agreement from them. A boundary is not a negotiation. It’s not, “Do you understand?” It’s this: “This is what I am and am not available for moving forward. This is what I will and will not engage with.” Period. End of story.
Now, when it comes to what to say when confronting a passive-aggressive covert narcissist, begin by calling it out cleanly, clearly, and without emotion. Give them exact language. For example:
“I’m noticing you’re saying one thing but doing another. Your words and actions don’t match.”
Or: “That felt indirect. If you have something to say, I’m open to hearing it directly.”
The point being: you expose the behavior without attacking the person. This shines a light on what they’re up to and removes their ability to stay covert.
Next, refuse to engage with subtext. You teach them how to treat you by clearly stating the boundary. For example: “I don’t respond to hints or sarcasm. If there’s something you need to say, please say it clearly.” Then silence. Don’t say another word.
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