Because until my mom died, I watched her knock herself out trying to encourage my father to enjoy the joyful things in his life—his grandchildren’s performances and school plays—wanting him to experience that joy. It never worked.
And I’d watch her break her heart over and over again. I told her to stop wasting her time. She kept going. She went and saw it. She got the joy. That should be enough.
And she sort of died on that hill, as though she believed that if he could experience joy, he would change. He didn’t—and now she’s gone.
Fourth: if you did have the chance to get out of the narcissistic relationship, commit to joy with other people in the small moments—ways you spend your time. Pay close attention to anyone new who comes into your life and tries to turn off this joy light.
This is discernment at the highest level.
If someone cannot be with your joy, then it’s a hard no on them. Stick them in the cheap seats of your life if they are someone you cannot get rid of.
Healing when you stay—when you cannot completely eject from these relationships—because as I said, healing in and of itself is a damn act of defiance.
And it means switching the calculus from abandoning yourself to instead releasing the hope that this relationship could be anything much more than relatively superficial with a narcissistic person.
They only have the capacity to center themselves, and they’ll get prickly when you have an “you” or an experience that is separate from them.
I have watched people lose their joy for a lifetime for decades because of these relationships.
Sadly, being served the BS messages that love is sacrifice is common. Love done right—love done safely—is not sacrifice.
Ask yourself about your joy. Journal about it. Explore it.
What joys did you give up for this relationship or relationships?
What expressions of joy did you give up for this relationship?
What joyful people and collective experiences did you give up for this relationship?
You misplaced them for good reason. Now go find them and slowly bring them back.
Just don’t let the narcissistic people know.
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