So, here’s a question, and this article is about joy—specifically, where does the joy go in your life?
There are some absolutes in narcissistic relationships. One of them is that these relationships will always take away things that give you joy, or they will be looked at sideways—somehow twisted and distorted.
These sources of joy can be small things like your Diet Coke. They can be bigger things like a yearly friends or family reunion that you love going to. They can be things that give you meaning—your faith, or volunteer work you do. They could be a hobby like fishing or quilting.
Narcissistic relationships are joy stealers and joy killers.
Remember the architecture of a narcissistic relationship: the narcissistic person has to be in charge of reality. They’re the ones who have to hold all the power, and the balance in the relationship is kept that way—as far as the narcissistic person is concerned.
As long as the other person in the relationship fully gives up on their true self, silences themselves, and becomes what the narcissistic person wants, then the relationship feels safe, and it kind of works. Self-sacrifice is the only path. And one of the big things that has to go with this self-sacrifice is your joy—especially if what gives you joy has nothing to do with the narcissistic person.
When narcissistic people sense that you’re experiencing joy—or, heaven forbid, that you’re the center of attention—for example, it’s your birthday party, or some other event that celebrates you, commemorates you, or celebrates a group you’re a part of—in almost every case, the narcissistic person will sit like a sullen child, moping around. They may even ask to leave early, making you and everyone else uncomfortable.
And at any other social gathering, if you’re experiencing joy in that setting, they will be angry that you didn’t notice they weren’t having that much fun.
Listen—if we could see all your hands, all of you in these relationships, raise your hands. And I guess that almost all of you have been through this at least once, at one event, in your narcissistic relationship.
Now, joy can show up in very different ways in our lives. It can be momentary awe—right? Awe about a beautiful red and purple sunset, a shooting star you see in the night sky; or spring flowers just starting to pop up.
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