Phase Five, “The ‘Well, Actually’ Trap.” While you are preparing, you will be tempted to defend yourself. You’ll be reading books about narcissism. You’ll watch videos like this one, and you will want to scream, “I know what you are doing! You are gaslighting me! Do not do this!” Calling out a narcissist is like poking a bear with a stick to see if it’s grumpy. Spoiler alert: it is.
Let’s look at a conversation. Scenario A: The Trap. Narcissist: “You never support me. You’re so selfish.” You: “That’s not true. I cooked dinner, paid the rent, and listened to you for three hours.” Narcissist: “See, you’re keeping score. You’re obsessed with money. You’re hysterical.” Result: You lose energy; they get supply. Scenario B: The Backup Method. Narcissist: “You never support me. You’re so selfish.” You: Pause. Blank face. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Narcissist: “That’s all you have to say.” You: “I guess so. Is there anything else?” This is boring to them; they want to fight. If you don’t give them a fight, they will eventually get bored and leave you alone to go play video games or yell at someone on Twitter. That is the time you use to pack your bags.
Phase Six, “The Exit Day.” The day has arrived. You have your money, your documents backed up, and a place to stay—a friend’s couch, a hotel, or a new apartment. Now, how do you leave? Rule Number One: You leave when they are not there. Do not break up in person. There is no honor in a face-to-face breakup with someone who does not respect you as a human being. Wait until they go to work or wait until they go to the gym. Rule Number Two: Speed is life. You are not packing everything; you are packing what matters: clothes, meds, the cat. Leave the furniture, leave the TV. Material objects can be replaced; your sanity cannot. If you stay too long agonizing over whether to take the toaster, you risk them coming home early. Leave the toaster. Rule Number Three: The Note. You leave a note. Do not write a 10-page letter explaining your feelings. They do not care about your feelings; they will only use it to mock you. Write two sentences: “I am leaving. Do not contact me.” That’s it. It conveys the message and is legally useful if you need a restraining order later. Rule Number Four: The Block. As you drive away, you initiate total digital blackout: block their number, block their email, block their social media, block their mother, block their sister, block the flying monkeys. If you leave a crack in the door, they will slide through it.
Phase Seven, “The Aftermath: The Withdrawal.” You are out. You are safe. You are sitting in a silent room, and suddenly you feel terrible. You don’t feel happy; you feel panicked. You check your phone to see if they called, even though you blocked them. You wonder if you made a mistake. Maybe they weren’t that bad. “Remember that time we went to the beach?” This is the euphoric recall. Your brain is trying to protect you from the pain by filtering out the bad memories and highlighting the good ones. It is a liar. This is why you kept a journal, which you hopefully did on your burner phone. Read the list of things they did to you: “Called me fat on my birthday. Threw a plate at the wall because the internet was slow. Flirted with the waitress and told me I was jealous.” Read it until you are angry. Anger is better than nostalgia; anger will keep you safe.
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