The first step of the Backup Method is admitting that you are going through withdrawal. You aren’t dealing with love; you are dealing with a chemical dependency on chaos. Once you realize that, you stop trying to fix the relationship and start trying to fix your brain chemistry. Phase Two, “Going Undercover.” The biggest mistake people make is announcing their departure. You get into a fight, you scream, “I’m done!” and you pack a bag.
“I am done. I don’t deserve this. I really do not deserve this.” This triggers the narcissist’s greatest fear: abandonment. They will react in one of two ways: One, the rage—they will threaten you, destroy your property, or block the door. Two, the Hoover—they will suddenly become the person you fell in love with again. They will cry, promise therapy, or buy you a car. Both are traps.
To escape, you must become a spy in your own house. You need to enter deep cover. This means you stop fighting. When they accuse you of cheating because you went to the grocery store for 25 minutes instead of 20, you don’t defend yourself; you say, “I’m sorry, traffic was bad.” When they tell you you’re stupid, you say, “Yeah, I’ve been really forgetful lately.” This is called the Gray Rock Method, but we’re going to upgrade it. You aren’t just being boring; you are being agreeable. You are lulling the enemy to sleep. The goal is to lower their defenses. A narcissist who thinks they have you under control is a lazy narcissist, and a lazy narcissist is easy to escape.
You are going to continue the relationship as normal. You will say, “I love you,” make dinner, and plan holidays you have no intention of going on. Is this lying? Yes. Is it manipulative? Absolutely. But you are dealing with emotional terrorism; the rules of the Geneva Convention do not apply here.
Phase Three, “The Digital Go Bag.” Now that they think everything is fine, you start the actual work. You need to secure your logistics. Narcissists love financial control. They love knowing your passwords. They love tracking your location. You need a digital go bag. This isn’t a physical bag yet; this is a cloud-based safety net, but you can’t use your phone. If you have an iPhone and they have an iPhone and you share an iCloud account, congratulations: they can read your texts, see your photos, and track your location to within three feet.
“The Burner Strategy.” You need a safe device. Go to a store and buy a cheap, prepaid Android phone with cash. Do not bring this into your house. Leave it at your work, leave it at a friend’s house, or hide it in your car’s spare tire well if you have to. This is your command center. On this device, you are going to create a new email address that you have never used before. Do not use firstname.lastname@gmail.com. Use plantover8@gmail.com—something that looks like spam.
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